This Great Mystery

Ever since I was little, I’ve been more interested in the things I can’t see than the things I can see. I remember, as a little kid, clenching my fists and squeezing them real hard with my eyes scrunched and lips pursed, contracting my whole body wanting to connect to something, to know what I was doing here, to gain access to the truth of what is life really and the point of it all.

I used to believe that if I had just the right thought, asked the ethers the perfect question or gained the piece of knowledge I really needed to know, all would be revealed. I’ve always wanted to crack the code!

Life, to me, was then and still is today, a great mystery.

I mean, truly. Look at nature and the perfection of the connectedness of everything; the food chain, the human body’s ability to keep going year after year and regulate itself. The great composter mother earth, the sky, the ways our environment supports us, and the animating force that came in with us often referred to as Spirit, the soul, the true self, or your fullest potential. We keep going until we pass on into the next realm, also a mystery.

When my brother suddenly died in March, I became the last living member of my nuclear family. At first, it was such a shock. I couldn’t even really believe it. It became real as the months went on; I started grokking that we would not speak again. I hadn’t bit my nails for over two years and noticed I was biting them again. I needed time to process this new world without him in it. I needed more rest, deep compassion for myself, and how to live on this beautiful planet with the precious time I have came into question. What does my soul want?

He did not know that it was the last time he would see a sunrise when he woke up that morning. We never know.

I’ve moved over 60 times since I left my house when I 18. I’ve stopped counting. It’s a great way to track life; I know where I lived when events happened, so I know when they happened! People have often asked me, “How can you move so much?” while I wonder, “How can you stay in one place for so long?”

When I left Los Angeles in 2014, I traveled to New Mexico, back to Cleveland, where I was raised, to Buffalo, NY, for a month and then I landed here in Colorado, where I’ve lived since 2015. And a change is on the horizon.

I’m taking a year-long class learning Shamatha Vipassana meditation. We did a meditation a few weeks ago called The Invitation. In this meditation, we entered into the expansiveness of who we are underneath who we think we are; the essence of our being, our aloha nature, our true self before we’re layered with personality and survival mechanisms.
Sitting in this space profoundly touched me.

What does my soul want? It wants to hit the road and enter the great mystery. It can be scary to answer a calling like this and even more scary not to. So, as of October 1 or thereabouts, I’m hitting the road and seeing where I land. I’m selling most of my belongings. I’m visiting friends and family here and there and staying open to opportunities that show up. I may end up in Oregon. I don’t know.

My coaching business will continue to grow. I can coach from anywhere. I’m stepping into another adventure that will only enhance my offerings. I’m passionate about helping you fully step into your life.

Follow me on Instagram if you want to keep abreast of the journey and live vicariously through me, ha! These are exciting times we’re living in, and I am answering the call.

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