A movie came out in 2014 called Frequencies. The film’s description reads: “In a world where luck is proved to be real and measured by personal frequency, a low-frequency boy risks everything to be with a high-frequency girl, uncovering secrets that challenge fate, free will, and the nature of reality.” There’s a scene in the film where the low-frequency boy asks the high-frequency girl a simple question: “How are you?”
Her response: “Greeting or serious question?”
I have used that response in various situations ever since I saw the movie—in grocery store lines with cashiers, or just in everyday conversation. It always gets a smile and often leads to wonderful conversations.
It’s a useful distinction. So often I ask someone, “How are you?” just as a greeting and get the rundown on everything going right or wrong in their life before I can settle into the conversation. I’m not saying it's right or wrong; I’m just saying it can be overwhelming. Most of the time, regardless of how I am, I say fine, or good, or eh, without launching into my life’s events until the conversation has had a minute to find its footing.
Later in the movie, when asked a question about himself, the once low-frequency boy asks, “Serious question or polite conversation?”
Another useful distinction.
As I contemplated writing this piece, an article from The Guardian came across my feed that speaks directly to what I’m saying: “But Enough About You … How to Survive in a World of Monologuists, Interrupters and Trauma Dumpers.”
The article preaches, baby! Love it, because truth be told, this is one of my pet peeves. It can be a struggle to pay attention.
It also leads to another distinction that can change how you’re perceived when meeting new people and enhance your relationships in general.
Interested vs. Interesting
When you engage in conversation, do you talk and talk and talk about yourself without showing any interest in the person you’re talking to? Do you ask questions, listen to the answer, then ask more questions instead of treating every little tidbit of what they say as an opportunity to tell your story about a similar experience?
Trust me, nobody who just got into a car accident, lost a parent or a pet, or had the most incredible experience of their life has the bandwidth to hold you and your similar experience from years ago. Be with them now. Tell them your story later.
Being interested in whom you’re talking with gives the conversation air. A conversation needs room for both people. Without it, one person begins to suffocate.
And attention isn’t only about whether you’re talking or listening. It’s also about whether you’re actually there.
One more thing, since we’re on the topic of communicating: when you’re with friends, shut the ringer off on your phone. Especially if you have a lot of alerts. Unless you’re waiting for an important, can’t-be-missed phone call or text, spend that time with the person you’re with.
It will avoid one of the rudest things we all experience these days. You’re talking with someone and all of a sudden they get distracted by their phone while you’re mid-sentence—or even while they’re mid-sentence. Without saying anything, they leave the conversation with you and start interacting with their phone.
Really?
I keep my phone on silent mostly because I don’t like unnecessary noise, unless I’m expecting a call. Remember the old days when your phone was attached to your wall at home, and people had to wait to reach you?
Hm.